I just wrote this poem, what do you all think? Any criticism welcome. Written in free form, no real structure.

You've written a pretty good free verse rant/narrative. The imagery is good and the tone is consistent. You managed to use your punctuation effectively, but not to the point of grammar, which is just the right balance for this type of poem. Your ear is tuned well for repetition, holding it just long enough, but not too long. Again, nicely done.